12: Coaches Corner Outtakes with Roxie Martin

Moira Maybin 00:05
Today we’re continuing my conversation with Coach Roxie Martin, as we talk about her path to acceptance or understanding of ADHD, and how she is now living an ADHD friendly lifestyle that works for her.

Moira Maybin 00:17
Welcome to the ADHD friendly lifestyle. This is the place to practice putting on our own oxygen mask so we can breathe and make it possible to show up in our own lives without guilt or shame. I’m your host, Moira Maybin, a woman, Mom, educator, and I have late-diagnosed ADHD. We can have an ADHD friendly lifestyle that includes more time with our strengths and passions. Less with our challenges has ways to adjust what and how we do things to suit us better and expand the ways in places that ADHD is understood and accepted. I suspect many of us have asked the same questions I did. Why is life so hard? Why does it seem easier for literally everyone else? There are things that I wish I had known about my ADHD sooner that are allowing me to make different decisions to make my life better and more ADHD friendly, and I want to share them with you. I finally understand that to live well. My lifestyle is not negotiable. It has to work for me. It has to be healthy. And yep, it’s got to be ADHD friendly.

Moira Maybin 01:23
I want to thank you for choosing this podcast. It is a labor of love for me, and I have been touched deeply by the emails and reviews sharing how my words are helping you. Please take the time to review, share and subscribe to the podcast on the player of your choice. Going to be experimenting with a few different things on upcoming episodes to try and see if there are ways that I can get this to fit better in my life. Make it a little bit more ADHD friendly for me. The outtakes were so good. I couldn’t leave them out. Just like your favorite shows outtake reel. These pieces may seem a little bit more disjointed than a regular episode. I’ll use musical cues for when we switch topics. We start off lightly sharing our struggles with the question, how are you? And then Roxie goes deep. Roxie puts me into the hot seat asking me a few questions too. You might be able to tell when I become very passionate.

Moira Maybin 02:20
We’re all people with ADHD, that small talk thing. We just had a conversation a few minutes ago about how loaded for us that How are you? Question is because the answer is like most people, I guess would just say okay, right. Whereas I feel like I’m compelled to tell the truth and that there’s a story. And you know, and then you were sharing that for you. It’s different. It’s more like there’s so many different versions. It’s what it sounded like you were saying?

Roxie Martin 04:59
Yeah, If you can ask me how I am. And I’ll think Well, what do you mean? Like how am I physically? How am I emotionally? How am I circumstantially? Like, there’s a million different ways we could go. So, I, if people want me to give a really specific answer, I need, I need a really fun, I always want to tell them how I am and identically. And so then, okay, okay, it’s either like going and I don’t notice, or I have a tendency to then be totally tired when I’m not right. It’s like that on or off not having the dimmer switch. Mm hmm.

Moira Maybin 05:40
And then seeing other people’s differences, I think it helps us understand our special uniqueness. You know?

Roxie Martin 05:52
Yeah, I think I think I think so too. I think we see so much of ourselves and each other in in some ways. And then we see all of these attributes that we, we maybe don’t possess, but we admire so much. So, I know for me, it was really healing to see some of like, my, my idiocy, secrecies represented in these people, because I see them and I’m like, you are adorable, like, you’re just adorable. And then it kind of made me have to look at Well, if I think they’re adorable, then why is it that, you know, I want to beat the crap out of myself for these things? Like, do I want to punch them because they have this issue? I never do. And, and I think that that was one of the surprises, gifts of becoming part of the coaching group are I didn’t know. I didn’t know to be proud. You know what it’s actually it makes me think of something. Hmm, I never made this connection before. But I have a very colorful life’s life story. And one of the little pieces of my colorful life story is that is that I was raised, thinking that I was the daughter of a red haired, freckled white guy. And then my white mom. And I found out when I was like, 12, and they had long since divorced, that he wasn’t my dad, my, my dad was a black man from Selma, Alabama. And then all of a sudden, I had this like, you know, crisis of identity. And then I said, well, you know, whatever, there’s nothing I can do about it. And I can’t relate. So, I’m not even going to dive into it, I’m just going to continue to sort of like whitewash myself and pass. And that’s what I did. And, and so many years later, many, many years later, my daughter made a connection for me with my family. So, my dad had passed, but my biological father had passed away by then. But just like five years ago, actually, my daughter reached out to two cousins, and, and we got to connect. And my father was an identical twin. So, my cousins are his identical twin brothers, children, who DNA wise makes us siblings. And that’s amazing, because I was an only child. And I saw myself in them, I remember when I met them sitting across the table and saying, my cousin Don has my nose, you know, and, and my, my cousin, Lance, you know, has the same as shaped forearm and all these things started to come together. And what happened in that moment was I took something that I didn’t know very much about and had shame around. Because nobody had ever spoken into me all the beautiful things about who I was. And in that moment, when I, when I saw those likenesses, I started to like, feel like redemption happening. And then it shifts. I remember one time looking in the mirror later and seeing my nose, that I never really had loved my nose. But when I looked in the mirror, I saw my nose, I saw Dawn’s nose, I’m like, I love Don, and I love her nose. And it was really powerful. And it was really healing. And to a certain extent, that’s what it was, like coming into art. Having all those people that I thought were awesome with the same struggles that I had, and it was being reflected back. And it changed the way that I saw myself. It’s changed the way that I viewed my history. And I started to feel some pride around some things that before I had only felt sort of shame and guilt and confusion. And I didn’t expect that. You know, I thought that I was like we all say this. I thought you’re going to teach me how to plan and you know, keep my house clean and, you know, like future goals set, whatever and that’s all wonderful and it helps a lot, but it was the self-esteem piece that I needed. To be able to have this like foundation and floor that says, hey, I deserve to have some good things. And also, I’m capable of having those things. If I, do it my way, if I do it in a way that works for me, instead of trying to become this other person and do it their way, because I see them successful. And so, it just bridged it bridged a gap I didn’t even know exists existed.

Moira Maybin 10:30
I understand you have a couple questions for me?

Roxie Martin 10:36
I thought of a couple things I was curious about for you, when I was going to bed last night. So, one of the questions was if you could go back in time to erase ADHD from your story, or leave it in which, which, and why?

Moira Maybin 10:55
I can’t imagine erasing ADHD from my story, because it’s such a huge part of who I am. And I think a lot of the things that I love about myself are related to my ADHD. So even with all the challenges it’s brought, one of the things that I heard recently was, I think it was probably Dr. Halliwell, about helping kids named their brains, you know, do you have a fast brain, a dancing brain, a jumping jack brain, a deep, dreamy brain, and I was like, I have a fast brain. And I wouldn’t change that. And I wouldn’t change my sense of humor, and I wouldn’t change my love of talking. It’s the understanding piece that I would want to change. But knowing the area I grew up in, I don’t know if knowing then how much that would have helped. Because, you know, in the 70s, and 80s, things were treated very differently than they are now.

Roxie Martin 12:02
So even Are you saying that even if you had known more, yeah, you wouldn’t have?

Moira Maybin 12:08
Not necessarily I, you know, I’d be very curious to talk to people who grew up in that area who did know they had ADHD, how they were treated? what it was, like, you know, and that might inform my decision, but just yeah, Mm hmm.

Roxie Martin 12:29
Okay, so for the most, for the most part, you keep it, except it’s part of what makes it?

Moira Maybin 12:38
Yeah, what about you?

Roxie Martin 12:42
I don’t, I was thinking about it. And part of me was like, ah, man, can you imagine if I didn’t have it, and I could just take notes, and I could just stay on one train of thought for the whole, you know, ride to my destination, all of those things. There’s a part of me that’s like, oh, man, you know, when that be great. But the truth is, as much as I wish that by this stage in my life, I could have accomplished more. I don’t think I would have wanted a different personality to do it. Like I actually think that that the eight, I don’t ever, I don’t know, and I don’t care which parts are like, which what’s ADHD and what isn’t. I’m with Eric, it’s kind of like, it’s all it’s just all a thing. ADHD sort of informs at all, it’s all part of who I am. But I think that I think it does make me who I am in the sense that that I don’t really do bullshit. And I feel like a kid a lot of times and I get excited about silly little things. And, and I don’t feel like I have to I don’t know I don’t feel like I have to be the perfect grown up and I don’t even know what it’s like to be a grown up because I have now and not now in my timeline. Like I never really, I never really see the future. It always just like shows up for me. And so even in my age, I guess, you know, it’s like I I’m always surprised when I when I look at numbers and realize how old I am. I guess this is true for not just for ADHD ears, but neurotypicals too. But I do feel like I’m so interested in so many things that I don’t get into a read based on my age, you know, so my friends have always been all the ages. And my musical interests have always been all the genres. And I think that probably has something to do with the way that my brain works because other people my age who aren’t who don’t have ADHD.

Moira Maybin 14:56
I didn’t know this, until I knew I had ADHD, but I realized that it’s that level of passion, the way our brains work, we’re either highly passionate or motivated about something. Or it’s really painful, we’d rather stick a fork in their eye. And they’ve proven when they do, you know, functional MRIs, people’s brains that like waiting is harder for us like it actually is, it takes more out of us, it takes more energy, oh my gosh. And so those feelings are real. And so neurotypical people are sort of like in this middle band, where it’s easier to get themselves to do something they don’t want to do. It doesn’t take as much out of them. But the other side of it is, when they, they don’t have that intense passion. And we know that when we start talking to someone who’s not in their eyes can kind of glaze over, and we’re just like, but this, let me tell you about the thing and all every detail about the thing. And, and I’m kind of testing right now. But yeah, that’s why I always really liked kids on the spectrum, because kids on the spectrum can be so passionate about something that they love, and you know, in my early days of my career, and be like, oh, someone’s fixating on this and it made, you know, that may not be healthy, that what they’re fixating on. But how many people spend their whole lives not knowing what they’re passionate about? If it’s seven years old, you know, you’re passionate about movies, and then you become an animator when you’re an adult? Like, how lucky is that? To know that. And it’s us looking at it from this, what are our most people like, that’s really hard when it’s either extremely difficult to get yourself to do something, or you’re way more passionate about it. And people don’t understand your intensity. It’s Yeah, it’s I think it’s a part of what makes us special in a really good way. Right. But it also makes it harder too. Do you have another question, my friend?

Roxie Martin 17:02
My other question was, okay, so I know you’ve done a whole lot of work on yourself over these past few years. And I’m curious about the challenge that you have still, that feels like it’s made like you so far that you feel like you’ve made sort of the least amount of progress on so far?

Moira Maybin 17:30
I have a two parter. Because I think my first answer might give people some hope. I didn’t realize how much blurting impulsively saying things was a symptom of my ADHD, my mouth has often gotten me into not as I travel, but sticky situations. And the hardest part is when I’m very emotional and having some sort of conflict either with my kids or, you know, in some relationship, and it was always so hard to not say something like my dad used to always say I wanted to get the last word in. And it wasn’t that it was just that I couldn’t like it was just going to explode out of me. Taking a non-stimulant has completely changed that titan taking into notes with a warm fuzzy, which helps with hyperactivity, impulsivity, there’s a pause now. And that, and that’s really only in in last six, eight months, that is huge. Because in the moment, there’s three of us in our family that are like that. And so, we can start riffing off each other and not a good way. And so, being able to control that is hugely helpful. But it was realizing that that was an issue, it was like that is an issue that is has created a lot of problems for me. And so, I’m glad that recently I’ve got a solution for that. My ongoing struggle is that it’s very easy for me to take myself off the list, my own health care, my own priorities for me to be my best self, and I’m a lot better at it than I was. But you know, it’s still been a challenging year having back surgery and recovering from that. And wanting to do more things like you know, you’re saying like, there’s never a shortage of wanting to do things. And so, when I’m not good at figuring out how long things take, I’m not very good at being able to recognize that I’m really thinking about trying to do too much. And so, I don’t, the feedback the big the big changes, the feedback loop is much shorter. So, if I get off course for my health care, it’s not very long before I realized that and I course correct, but to what getting you attribute that the reduction in the really, it’s time to work keeping the processes, it’s having reminders around of what’s important to me, and how I want to be. And so, I’m sort of getting that on a regular basis. So, it’s not too hard to get off course, because I mean, I’ve taken some really big steps to, to change this and to make my life work. I never thought that I would consider not teaching. And, you know, to be doing that in less than a school year is a really huge deal. Yeah, but it’s pretty remarkable. It’s exciting. What about for you? That was a very long answer I gave.

Roxie Martin 21:17
No, it wasn’t but I forgot the question.

Moira Maybin 21:19
What is remaining a sticking point or a challenge for you with your ADHD? Okay, yeah. Oh, and the super short answer is going to bed!

Roxie Martin 21:33
I think that I am still struggling with. I’m still struggling with the planning, planning for more long-term goals and objectives. The problem isn’t the planning. The problem is or the challenge is being anxiety around it. And it’s because I think I mean; I’m still sort of working through. It’s over. I mean, these words used a lot, but there’s like trauma Stein, Eric refers to it. Yeah, it’s Yeah, there’s, it’s, it’s real. So, this. So, it’s the hard part is that I still, I still don’t have a perfect rhythm for that. The, the encouraging part is that I now recognize that there is real anxiety around it. And I know how to address anxiety better than I used to, I know that I can start to speak it out that I can start describing and narrating what I’m experiencing, instead of just reacting to it without ever sort of consciously identifying that that’s been really helpful. So, there’s some things that I’m that I’m putting into play, that are that are helping. But if I’m looking at sort of where I’ve made the most progress, and I’m kind of like visualizing a graph, I would say, really, spending the time to plan ahead, as opposed to plan three weeks before it’s even three weeks before is better than I used to be used to be like, like, I would do things. I would do things like this. I had a house. I was bored. I ordered same day carpet. I never even told my husband like I needed carpet. But I was watching the one 800 gets new carpet in between my TV shows. And I told him Come on over. And I literally had carpet installed. And then after I had the carpet installed, I decided like two weeks later, I would love a puppy. And then I bought a dog. Yeah. So there that was my planning. My planning was like, as soon as I had a thought I, I enacted the plan. So now even if it’s three weeks, that’s better than it used to be. So, progress over perfection. But I’m looking now to not being afraid to plan for a few years down the road. Because I’m trying, I’m wanting to work on not being afraid to trust myself or not being afraid to dream, bigger issue. When you fail so much. When you see yourself as you know, failing over and over and over again. A way to lessen that misery is to quit dreaming. And I think that I got into that place where I’m like, you know what, it hurts too much to dream. So, I’m not going to and that’s probably the thing that shifted the most in the past few years with art is that it’s made me braver and more willing to start dreaming again. And I’m actually starting to see some of those dreams. coming to fruition the coaching is a really big one. So, I know it’s possible, so I know what’s happened in these other places. I know what can happen with my future planning, but it’s not where I’d like to see that just Yeah,

Moira Maybin 25:12
yeah, like you said progress not perfection. You know, there’s every No one said we had to get it right the first time round and whether or not there’s even a Right, right. It’s just what it is I really like the expression picked up. It’s not what’s wrong. It’s what happened, right? Just the ability to be curious. Yeah, that’s good.

Moira Maybin 25:44
In re-listening to this episode, there are so many things that Roxie says that I wish I had been able to take the time to say, Tell me more. What this means is that I will need to bring her back in the future and plan on being able to pause while we are talking and take time to explore the many interesting detours she touched on today.

Moira Maybin 26:11
I hope you enjoyed today’s show. This is the place for the late diagnosed women, moms professionals. Those who want to understand ADHD, be heard and know they are not alone. We can have an ADHD friendly lifestyle that includes more time with our strengths and passions less with our challenges and has ways to adjust what and how we do things to suit us better, and to expand the ways in places that ADHD is understood and accepted. I’d love to know your thoughts about today’s episode. There are lots of ways to get in touch. You can check out my website, ADHDfriendlylifestyle.com and email me from there, or comment below on the podcast. All questions will be anonymous, respected and appreciated. And I can’t wait to continue this conversation with you. Please remember, I am not a doctor. The information presented in this podcast does not replace the individual recommendations from your health care providers. You can help by subscribing to the ADHD friendly lifestyle on Apple podcast, or the podcast player of your choice. You can also spread the word by sharing the podcast with the people in your life and by taking the time to rate and review. Thanks for listening. See you later.